Objects in the Rear View Mirror.....

In every person's past there is a someone, a something, or even a somewhere that stays with them forever. For many, me included, it is all of the above from one day to the next. One always hopes for new & exciting things to happen in the day to day life. I don't wake up everyday and think: "Today I will meet the man of my dreams." or "Today I will make the next right move to conquer the world." I don't think these things because I just expect them - HA HA! I just want my life to move in the forward motion, on to the next step, over the next hurdle. And then in jumps - brother past... Just to say hello, just to say: i think about you, just to say: remember when. I appreciate the thoughtfulness and it makes me happy to know that people think of me and places still bring back memories. But it makes me think... this is not good. Ok, it is good but when you have trouble on many days to look forward at so much uncerainty, it is upsetting to take a look back at what might-have or could-have been. And fate, does it play a part or is that just crap? Really, I hope that in some cases it is. I would be happy with the idea that phone calls just mean Hi, I am thinking about you and emails just mean that they were reminded of me. There are just certain things that I have passed on, I am told for the better. There are certain people I have remembered lately - or have remembered me that have meant alot to me. Past is painful. Past places and faces. I revisited my home town last weekend. What a trip! It is honestly a harder thing than could ever be described to be a 27 year old girl, single, and the child of a new divorce and new "friends" integrated. I honestly try to make it make sense. I try to make it all seem normal. So much of my life I have dreaded my parents in the same room because something would lead to a fight. I was a normal kid - I wanted happiness, I wanted that family Sunday that we tried so hard to maintain. I wanted that happy hugs and kisses and the trips and ... just happy. We didn't have that. But it became normal to me. To me, the verbal fights were the way it was. The fact that we were rarely together as a family was normal. The fact that I only saw my dad on weekends and / or at lunch as he passed to the shower to go back to work. These were all normalities in my life. When I was about 17 or 18 it was brought to my attention that it was my sister and I that held the family together. If it weren't for us, my parents' lives would have been apart and much different. I took this bit of information - felt bad for possibly being a burden, then felt bad that they had held out so long for us when they could have been happier apart. I would have never wished for them to be apart and never together - as this would make me non-existant and that just wouldn't be any fun now would it. I had wished that they didn't use us as this magic glue to someday make it all happy. I had wished for the fighting to stop. I had wished for things to be happy. I wanted to be happy. I was happy but this thought made me sad many times. And so we come to 7 years later and the motion is made for a seperation followed by split. The motions... no discussions, few words exchanged, no explainations resolved... just over. Wish come true? Well sure - there is a better chance at happiness - there is a better hope that everyone will get along not having the stress of being together. Dad has moved here and is trying to regain his life and his happiness. Mom has made several changes and has found a happiness that she has almost never known. It is so strange to me to sit back and observe these two people and see them for themselves seperately and not for what I have seen and experienced for so long. I had listened to the fights and anticipated the arguments and hoped for them to be ended. But I never actually thought that was an option. There would be no happiness to come out of so much anger and resentment. There would be no resolution and new beginning to come between two who were so much different that they rarely spoke or engaged in anything marital. It is also strange to me to be a part of these "new" lives that they are both forming. I feel like it is all..... how do you say? strange? There is just no word for it. Kudos to the ones who just make it work and go with it. And PLEASE understand... I am not jealous or unapproving. I am only 27 and for 24 of those years everything was (unhappily - I guess) on way. And now they are quickly another, with what seemed to me, no time wasted and few words spared on the situation at hand. Fine, after 30 years of "crap" you just want to move on but after 30 years there isn't even enough feelings anywhere to have a conversation about what is about to happen and how to deal with the rest of our lives... and I say OUR. This is all old news and I feel like I have to keep reiterating the same stuff over and over to make people understand and I am sure that this does not make anymore sense on screen then it does in my head or my heart. I just know that things are changing. Change is good but it takes some getting used to. People get married, people move away, people divorce, people have kids, people grow up, people just get older, people leave and some will stay. Everything happens for a reason and you are only given what you can handle. I really believe that is true. So may the past be a lesson for the present and may the present make the best of the past. As things happen, some don't stay gone - some linger until you are finished with them... only problem is - that is not up to us.