Judgement

Family. The one word says so much. They are the ones that created you, raised you, believed in you, played with you, played against you, loved you, liked you, wanted to be like you and judged you.... Judge you. You expect that the people walking past you on the street think - "Wow, why did that girl leave the house in those pants". You expect the guy at the club standing with the his buddies to say "Check that girl out" and mean it in a way you are glad he keeps it to himself. What you don't expect is that the people you hold closest and worry about the most actually think about you like something you would rather a perfect stranger kept to himself. It is likely that my family's seperation and divorce is causing fractures in everyone's lives and not just mine and my sister's and that this is why my own family is suddenly acting against me, but is it likely that the fear I have with strangers I meet and talk with every day is actually hitting closer to home and it is really my own family that judges me more?

It has always bothered me that the people in my life that I would rather exept me and support me in my life, my struggles, and my celebrations, seem to silently judge me. I know that you want your friends to be honest with you and tell you when you look like crap or shouldn't wear those pants but it seems to be a different sort of thing going on here.

The last few weeks have me thinking. Christmas and family have me thinking. My life and my decisions have me thinking. Thinking...I am happy with the decisions I have made and the paths I have taken and my "moral" choices are mine to make and make no one better than me that they have waited to make those choices. Choices just make our decisions and life directions different. It disappoints me that my own family feels so strongly that my choices are their business and make them so much better than me.

See... I look at everyone, not for what I expect them to be but for who they are and what they mean to my life. I don't expect every friend I have to have never done anything bad in their lives. I have a friend who had an abortion at age 16, I have a friend who has been the affair to a marriage and later had and affair to end her own, I have a friend who believes very much in God but had premarital sex, I had a friend who was an acoholic, I have many friends who are gay, I have black friends, Asian friends, caucasion friends, Brazilian friends..... Point is, I treat none of these friends differently because of what they have done or will do. I love none of them differently because of what they have done or will do. I don't ask them what they think of me and they do not ask me what I think of them we just know that no matter what we are there for each other and no matter where we go there may or may not a note along life's path just to say and to put a smile on the face of another. These are my friends. These are people that I will have in my life forever because they love me just the way I am today and tomorrow and even next year. Now, my family.... my family apparently has grown up in a diverse area here, with a multi-racial-cultural schooling, and yet are more close-minded than ANYONE I know. I am so often taken aback at the comments and the ideas that come out of their mouths. I can't help but wonder how I, coming from a community with a population that could fit in their back yard, can be more excepting of the people in my life then they are being of their own family. "My family means the most to me in the world" What does this mean? To me it means that I never judge them for mistakes they have made only try to be their to support the repercussions or the next stage of life. It means that we can do anything and talk about anything regarding family and life without feeling like the information I am giving them will be part of the next dinner topic of ridicule or the next topic of argument of morals or who is better then who. To me it is spending a holiday without feeling like you are unwelcome because you are not the skinniest, most athletic, or most talented one in the room. My best friends don't do these things - why is my family now doing it? Why is my family suddenly trying to make me feel that I am such a horrible person when I have never tried to prove that they were less then me or that I am somehow any better. They have huge goals and big dreams and I am glad they do and wish them well. I hope that every endeavor they attempt works out the way they want it to. I never wish that I was better then them, I have never thought that I needed to change something to be like them or better then them. But they are constantly making me feel just that. However, while their goal seems to be to bring me down and make me feel less that worthy to be in their presence - they don't realize that their shallow behavior only does makes me the better person because I will never be that person. I will never hold myself up to them and feel less adequate. I will only feel that way by my own hand and my own actions. Only I can decide when I don't live up to my expectations. If they feel that they are somehow better than me than by all means - go on ahead and enjoy your lonely life. Find a partner in life that is going to fit in your Stepford Wives world and will be all that you want them to be. I will be here - not judging you - when you are ready to be my friend and my family again.

I think that this is enough for now. I know that my writing here isn't going to make it any better - it the verbal connection to the problems that will really help. But this is my start and my chance to "think" it out. More to continue I am sure....

Resolutions

I had originally intended on venting a few things from the holidays but instead, since it is now 2005 (55 mintes into it to be exact), I am going to be positive tonight. For the last 3 years I have titled my years, in a sense forcasting what I feel the year has in store for me. Resolutions don't ever seem to hold up and this way I am preparing myself in a broad sort of way and I can take it how I want. The first year, the year my parents were seperated and then divorced was my year of "New Beginnings". Every thing was new and felt as if I was forced to start all over from scratch on my thoughts, my actions, my feelings.... everything was new. The next year was a full year of them being divorced, I wanted changes from myself in my life and I could sense that that year (2004) would be my year of "Changes". I had spent a year learning how to get started in my new family situation and was starting to get a handle on how to work myself with it and with my own doings. I wanted to make major changes in my life and knew that it was going to take the whole year just to get it started, or at least to begin planning my changes. And I did, I got great new friends, I got a new job, my dad moved 8 miles away from me and my mom started dating - which was for sure a change to life, but best of all my sister got married - ok, so those are also a couple "beginnings" but for me they were more changes. But now after Starting New and Changing - I am tired of the stress - this year is "My Year". This year I am taking charge of me. I am going to go back to the me I once was before my life got "flipped, turned upside down", I am going to get my confidence back that I once had and get my life back. That 3 year time-out was a bit much and I am sure there are thoughts and words - verbal or silent- about my personal "break" from my life from certain people. Unfortunately these people I fear the thoughts from the most are ones that are close to me and because that hurts, I am going to take that hurt and make it mine. I am going to use that to show them that I am not weak and that I can deal with life. I will leave this entry at that - as I am heading toward my Holiday Rant and I was not going to go there tonight. I am just going to wish myself a Happy New Year and "Tomorrow is another day"