... That damn Mirror!

So back to this past and present thing... I went back home this weekend. Boy, does that make a person do some searching and thinking.... or is that just ME? First, it starts with the drive into the city limits where you just feel the time gone by tickling you memory as if to say "hello, nice to see you again". Then I drive by all the old faces and places. Faces that used to be so young and innocent are now adults - some even wife/mother/husband/father.... some faces that were once so familiar but now don't have any idea you were ever there. (Oh, yeah, her....) Then the places that remind me of faces I don't see anymore, places were things happened, memories were created, mistakes were made. Now without getting sad and depressing, because I have said time and time again that I have no problem with the way my life is (or isn't); but times like this remind me that I am not near the place that some of these one young faces are with their weddings, childeren - then I see the places, remember the memories and mistakes and think of how different things "could" have been. Would I want them that way now? Did I miss out by making the choices I did? Are things that different now that my family life is different? It is so hard to believe how much you miss people. I remember things I did with friends in High School just by the location: lunch's at Don's Pizza, Graduation day with everyone together for the last time, and then the driving away like I did so many times to go back to college from a quick weekend with friends or loved ones. I remember places where words were shared between people I loved, places where moments were shared between people I loved, and places where people I loved used to exist together and now is magically supposed to represtent a new beginning. My Grandparents house is starting to fall apart and seems so empty without them there... no Grandpa in the back yard making horseradish, no Grandma in the front yard planting tulips and pansies... and hell, even the crab apple tree that Kenny and I climbed so many times looks like something from a Doc Suess book with no branches or leaves - just stickes 10 feet out of the ground. Going to Kayla's Graduation was another turning point of the weekend. Oddly enough that was the part that made everything feel so much better. I think there is just something about the celebration of something so great and the people that take the time to come to see it happen and wish them well. There is still the awkwardness in some moments over mistakes once made and never addressed. And overwhelming welcome from those that seem too miss me more than I understand. Life is just so strange. Feelings, memories, mistakes... somehow they have been looking for me lately. I get calls from people that are from the past that I just never expect to hear from but secretly have been hoping for. I get the chance share life stories and feelings with people that I never thought I would open up to again. Everytime I think I am ready to move on - things from the past rear their "ugly" heads and stop me dead in my tracks. Then I spend a long car ride home and many nights' sleep wondering if these are second chances or just reminders of some kind. Am I supposed to do something with these moments or just learn and continue moving forward?

Quotes

A few quotes I have collected recently that in one way or another relate to myself or life in general.

"I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better." - Plutarch

"A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world." - Lois Wyse

"The rule of friendship means there should be mutual sympathy between them, each supplying what the other lacks and trying to benefit the other, always using friendly and sincere words." - Cicero

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are love; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." - Victor Hugo

"We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversation with peopl may sweem like such a simple, obvious suggestin, but it involves courage and risk." - Thomas Moore

"It's important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not." - Mignon McLaughlin

Leaving

I miss my sister. I was blessed with the chance to spend a weekend with her. Now, although I would love to say I spent the whole weekend with her alone and did the "sister" stuff - not quite true. We did so much though. Saw many people - shopped at IKEA (always important) - spent alot of time with Dad (more important) and got the bejesus scared out of us at House of Wax. It was a full, fast and fun weekend and I hope she knows how much I miss her. I always hate to tell her that she should come back here. Life isn't always certain and who am I to decide where is best for her to live. Selfishly though, I want her closer to me but openly - what if I ever think of moving .... I would want her support me too. ... I digress... I hope she had a great weekend with me and Dad and everyone we saw. But today came too quick and off she drove with Dad to meet up with Mark to go back to Michigan again. And I sit here thinking about how lonely I am... I tell you I spend so many days thinking about how strong I am and how it isn't that bad to be single - but you know today is a day that reminds me that I don't get company that often, I don't get people who want to come visit and just see me as often as I would like, and when they are all gone I only have the memory of someone to hug when I am sad to be alone again. Now I will go to bed and begin my healing back to strong and alone... to wait a couple of days and open the wounds of hometown faces. (Happy 1 Year Anniversary April and Mark)