Truth....

Every once in awhile there are moments that bring me a peace that I just can't explain. This weekend I visited my little sister and her husband. I have to say, lack of plumbing aside, I haven't been that relaxed and comfortable in a long time. It was nice to just go out where there was no one else around really. Where the animals literally roamed freely around the house. Where there was nothing else around but the three of us getting to know each other and having a good time just spending time together. There just isn 't enought time in a weekend to spend enough time with them though. But hopefully as long as we get those times now and then we will be good. I had a safe drive home and wanted to take 5 showers :) J/K - I only took one and now must get to bed to begin my crazy season. Christmas is here again!

The Worries of Today....

I have spent alot of time lately trying to put to words something that explains what motivates people to do things. Why do we strive to be someone we aren't? Why do we strive to be the person we ARE? Why do we hide from people we love to avoid feelings we know they will help us to overcome? Why do look to others for support that we can easily provide ourselves? Why do we love when we know we will just get hurt? Why do we just not face the facts and get over ourselves, our fears, and our angers? We all need to face our fears and realize that we all love each other, we all need each other, and being upset and worrying is only making our days apart more painful. There are no points to be proven in being angry. Every minute we are angry, sad, or in pain is a minute we are not happy. What a waste! **Hugs**

IF...

"If everyone cared, and nobody cried. If everyone loved, and nobody lied. If everyone shared, and swallowed their pride..." - Nickelback, All the Right Reasons

So I am full of quotes, poems and lyrics. I am full of thoughts, and words, and curses, and compliments. I can't believe just how much goes on in my head at one times somedays. Today, I made another attempt to open up to someone that has repeatedly wanted me on their time. Now I try to give the benefit of the doubt and I try to thing - the plans wern't 100% so why should I be mad that they didn't even happen. But the truth of the matter is that even though there aren't any set plans there is the hope of a rendevous. There isn't any commitment because we are still trying to figure out what is here but yet I want something more than just the fundamental idea. I am just starting to get it in my head that maybe he really does like me. Maybe he really did like me before and made a mistake. Maybe this time he would be the one that left for not apparent reason that actually did come back. And then today - then today I sit here and think about how my life repeats... I hear the same "you will find someone that deserves you" crap but in the end unless that person is in some line somewhere and has just filled out some application for me... I am not sure what direction I am supposed to go. And I am not sure why I am continually having to repeat this confusion and why I feel like only one in this place. But I know that I am not and I know that it will all be better and I am just mad over silliness. My one question is: why does the universe play with your heart and head the way it does? Why does it give you stuff that you think you can deal with and then dangle it like a toy on a string?

I Carry Your Heart With Me

I Carry Your Heart With Me
by E.E. Cummings
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

******************************************************
At the moment of the movie, In Her Shoes, when Cameron Diaz stands before a crowd gathered for her sister's wedding she reads this poem to tell her sister just how much she means to her. It was a beautiful moment, not only because for the first time in their lives they both knew that without each other they didn't make sense but "Maggie" was finally able to overcome the thing her life that has made her run away from success and meaning - her inability to read caused by dyslexia. Now the dyslexia has no real relation to my life but the movie and poem bring out the feelings in me, and so many others, the feeling of realizing just how much other people in your lives mean to you. My sister who is so far away, my cousin that is going to places where he needs to know that we are "with" him, my other cousin that I hope she knows that I am with her always even when I am not sure she remembers me as her friend...my friends that I don't see as much as I should but always think about, and my friends that I do see but probably don't tell enough that I am here for them too. It was a great movie and this poem as the perfect way to end it - or more - the perfect way to sum up the feelings that we all share for ones that we love and will love forever, for the ones that we take with us when we leave places, for the ones that mean the world to us in ways we can't explain.... I carry your heart..I carry it in my heart.

I meant to say....

... to you that I was embarrassed by your actions. You made my whole life look like it was a crime. You made people look at me differently for the choices you made.
... to you that you are my best friend. You will always be that person to me no matter what. I look to you for guidance, support and strength. There have been days were I have missed you in the room with me but am glad to know that you are only a phone call away.
... to you that I was saddened not by your failure to repair your life together but by your lack of strength to take the life you made like a grown up.
... to you that I do like what you have done with your life but you don't need my approval - you have my love and support.
... to you that I am always looking out for you; in good or bad, for better or for worse. I was never against you I was only looking out for you.
... to you that I didn't realize until you were gone how much I was going to miss you. I didn't realize the impact that one loss could have on so many people but our lives have been uprooted ever since. Like we would have expected, you gave us no time to let you go - you just left us. I hope you are happy and look upon us with as much happiness as we are trying for. Forgive those of us that have lost control and are still trying to find our way. But I hope that you are proud of us for coming as far as we have.
... to you I know what was going on when you weren't coming home at night. I was not blind, just stupid for going along like it never happened and then feeling hurt when you denied it to the end.
... to you that I am glad to have you as my friend. I am glad to be as important to you as you are to me. There is nothing a girl needs more than a friend who is there no matter what.
... to you that I loved you every day and then even a few after. That even when you pushed me away, I only stuck by because I know it was your way of asking for help. And through it all I still call you one of my best friends.
... to you that when you thought you were getting me to open up and be this "better" person - you were giving me the gift of humiliation, confusion, and betrayal in a nice pretty friendship package with a pretty red bow. It was the lack of rescue you provided that night that made me realize that your priority wasn't protecting your friend from being held against my will in the other room by someone neither of us really knew, it was conquest among the coats.
... to you, when I was feeling good and worth something you walked away leaving me with my own explanations. Now I have to live with the choices I made with those "explanations" and decide if you can take what you get the second time around or if you will just use it as round two and move on again. I don't blame you for my actions only for not being a man and speaking up when it was needed.
... to you that I will always appreciate the fact that you found the courage to come to me after so long and tell me that you were sorry. I am not sure I would have had been able to do that.
... to you that when you throw around your moral superiority - you tend to lack the ability to think about the person on the recieving end of the verbals. You forget that your morals and beliefs are appreciated but sometimes the preaching comes more as insult to those who have chosen a different path. I have done what I have done and I take none of it back. I believe that I make choices and those choices have consequences. I believe that there is a higher being and that being is God but I also believe that He likes me to think for myself and look to him for guidance. We have a strong relationship and we like it the way it is. Trust me - we've talked about it.
... to you that you are a grown up. Live like one. Make your own choices, do your own thing, balance your own check book, live on your own, pay your own bills, be your own person... it is scary - believe you, me - it is. But you will love yourself and your life so much more knowing that it was you and you alone that got you there. You can make your own messes and clean them up all on your own. You can be your own person and celebrate how you want to, when you want to. You are a great person and you can be so much more than you allow yourself to be. Just be it.
... to you that you are losing control. You sometimes seem to loose your grip on reality because there needs to be drama to cover the real life messes and confusion. I something think that you have distorted what is really going on to a point of no return. I can't help but wonder what I did wrong to let you get that far away from me. I can't help but wonder if there was more I could done to influence you better. I can't help but wonder if it was the influence I did give that sent you here.
... to you that when you repeatedly tell me how much you do every day that I can't help but take it as a big rub in the face about what I am not doing.
... to you that when you shopped around on my career I took it personally. Why am I not good enough at my job to even be asked to help you out?
... to you that you are great person and don't give yourself enough credit. You will overcome all the things that have lingered over your life and will forever. You will always have great friends that you have gained over the years and more to come. You will find love in the strangest place and you will just have to let it in. You will be successfull in all you do because you believe in yourself. No one else is needed to do all this - just your belief in yourself, your love for yourself and others and that smile and laugh then wins them all over everytme.